Marine Wife... the true meaning!!!

My oh my, Soooo much has happened in the last 72 hours.   For those of you who know me really well, you know the situation you know that Brandon and I were waiting on some news and Monday was the day for answers, and if you know me really well... you know what those answers were and that those were the worst case type answers .... we had planned for both best case scenerio, and worst case scenerio... and now we are having to deal with the worst.  It has been such a whirlwind, and I'm not really sure how to put into words how I am feeling at the time being, or how to word things in a way that which others can get an idea of what we are going through without knowing exactly whats going on.  Right now Brandon and I wont see each other for 5-6 months, and will have very little contact if any... thats where I am leaving that.It's definetly going to be a change for us, we usually talk for about 2 hours a night, and text pretty much the entire day.... we knew we needed to cut back on that to prepare for deployment, but we didnt have that change.  Monday we went into everything thinking it wasnt going to be a big deal, we made a million plans based on that opinion, but now we are changing all that again, we are dealing.  The hardest thing through all this for me is not knowing where my husband is or how he is handling all this, not having answers to some pretty important questions, I know I have the guys in his unit to talk to and ask questions, but there are some things they just cant help with!!!

Another thing that bothers me is that I have such a huge support system, and even though I know they support Brandon...right now he really doesnt have that.  He doesnt have the ability to talk to whoever he wants whenever he wants, Im able to call his phone whenever I want and listen to his voice, or listen to the voicemails he has left on my phone that I have saved..and he cant do that...Im able to write him ( even though I have no where to send those letters) and I dont know if he can or not. Its just hard, and I know its one of those things you just have to deal with but it just seems soo unfair for the time being. 

At this point, Im just ready to have my husband home, we will figure everything out later, all the minor details will be dealt with once he is home, I know our love, our relationship, and our marriage can survive anything... it can survive time and distance apart, it can survive any hardships that we have thrown at us, God knows we have had our share for awhile.... but through it all we are going to come out of it stronger and more in love than ever before!   This whole situation has reminded me what the true meaning of being a Marine wife actually is....you HAVE to be strong, being weak isnt an option... I gave myself the last 48 hours to be sad, depressed, and just helpless... but now, now I need to be ...really be a MArine Wife.... I HAVE to deal.. its my only option, I HAVE to hold things together, theres nothing else I can do, I HAVE to do what I can when I cant to help my husband, because really...he is the one going through this, sure its affecting me, but like I said I have all my friends and family to talk to whenever, he doesnt, his only support is when or if he is able to contact me, he is depending on me to be the only support he has until this is over.  So thats exactly what I plan to do...be strong and supportive for my husband!!!!!!  I'm gonna ask anyone who reads this though, to please send up prayers for my husband and I...we could really use the help until this is all over.. and probably even after!!  For the time being... its already been 68 days since we've seen each other and at least 150 more to go... we can do this<3 :)

Constant Changes....

As a military wife you have to be able to plan, and then things change so you have to plan again, and again things change so you have to plan again... and this just keeps happening and happening!! I knew it would be like this going into it, I knew it would be difficult because everything pretty much has to be so last minute because plans change so quickly, but i never realized how hard that would be.  In the last month my husband and I have planned for pretty much everything you could possibly think of.  We have planned on him getting discharged, then that changed... we have planned on him not deploying with his unit and me moving out there for good, then that changed.... we have planned on him deploying with his unit and so me not moving out there, then plans changed.... and our current plan, we have planned on him deploying with his unit and me moving out there for a few short months!  All I can say is I am drained... I feel like all our plans are so helter skelter and like we are forgetting things...important things.... right now the plan is for me to move out there one of the first few weeks of May, us getting base housing (since I will probably only be out there for a few months we decided it was better to get on base then something off base, and cheaper too!! and the reason we are able to is becaue brandon hasnt recieved his deployment orders yet so we can get housing and then once he gets his orders we will just show housing that and that is what will break our lease with them!) complicated ...I know but if we want to spend those last couple months together before deployment its what needs to be done.
However, not only are we planning and worrying about getting a place out in Cali, we are also trying to plan what to do for me back in Indiana/Ohio.  Right now I have an apartment with a friend, however since originally we were planning on me moving to Cali for good this summer, she has found new roommates... so once I move out of here my options are get my own place, or move back home with my parents.  For those of you who dont know this my parents and I have a pretty terrible relationship... thats where im going to leave that, but I really want to get my own place, but at the same time Im not sure if thats such a good idea while Brandon is deployed!  idk.. there is still alot to think about with all that.  
I just wish we had some answers ... like Yes he definetly will do this or wont do that, I hate playing games of not knowing, I hate questioning everything, and I hate not being able to plan for basically anytihng.  Since we are 99% sure that I will only be in Cali for a few months when I say im "moving out there" really im just taking all my clothes I need on the plane and flying there, everything we need for a home is just gonna be boughten out there, and we are going to just live with exactly what we need, because im not going to turn this house into a home only to pack it all up a few months later... so our house will probably be pretty bare and have little to no decorations, but as long as my husband and I are together, thats really all I'm concerned about!!

My husband :)

Since we are on opposite sides of the country for the time being, we send each other pictures multiple times a day! and I found a few this morning and just thought I would share of my most recent pic favorites!!:)

last day of the green camis :) He looks sexy, but gosh I cant wait for those deserts!!! <3

this is what he sent when I told him it was cold here back home, a picture showing the amazing weather out in Cali!! lol

this pic just cracks me up, we have this thing were we always joke about him not wearing his ring since im not out there, I joke that he only wears it when im around so he can pick up chicks, well he sent this pic right before he got out of the truck one weekend cause i kept picking on him about supposedly not wearing his ring!

And.... the deserts are back!!!:) gosh I sure do love him in those!!!:)

This pic is a little old, but I just think its adorable, and a reminder of how great of a dad he will be once we do have children!!

isnt he just soo handsome!!??

again a little old, but probably one of my most favorite pictures of him ever!!:)

<3

Looking at pictures of Brandon today, makes me feel closer to him, and I just need to keep reminding myself in just a few short months we will be together!!! not sure yet whether it will be together out in Cali, or together back home... but regardeless I know him and I will make it through either situation we need too!!! Still not sure what exactly is going on with everything, but by April we will know at least more of what direction things will be going in!! I really didnt have much to blog about today, but wanted to share these pics at least !! :)

"Caught between and rock and a harder place"

How do you find the words to explain your situation, how do you find the words to convince not only everyone else, but also yourself that everything will work out alright! How do you know what is the best decision is, how do you know what decision is best when you dont have all the facts, when it feels like those who are supposed to be helping you seem to not truely have your best interests at heart? When it feels like they are doing only enough to get by and get their paycheck, like they dont really have your true interests at heart. This is definetly one thing that I really do NOT get about the military... how can they crucify one man and do something that is going to affect him the rest of his life without any proof, how come they wont rightfully, honestly and correctly investigate this case... why are they so set on doing this all the wrong way!!!! Why would they rather close this whole case and convict the wrong person instead of ttaking the time to find the actual person who did this... I dont get it and it really hurts... People not doing their jobs correctly is going to affect my husband and my life like its going too, and put us in such a difficult position... words dont justify how betrayed I feel, I lost I feel, and how completly helpless I feel.


What can I say to make my husband less stressed, Im scared to death but yet need to find the words to help him get through this, I need to find the words to make sure he knows I will always be here, no matter what shit either of us go through... I just feel like I have my hands tied behind my back, like no matter how hard I try or how much I want to help, I cant..I cant do anything, I cant make this go away...I cant help prove his innocence.. and I cant find the right words to explain any of it, or help make him feel better... I just feel so helpless, so insignificant, so worthless, so.. just not good enough!!! :(  God please help us get through this... because it's way out of our hands now!!! <3

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote has more meaning to me and Brandon right now, than just about anything else!! For those of you who don't know whats going on with us right now, just know that we are going through a few things (no not marriage problems or issues..just life) and we could really use the extra prayers!! We have alot of decisions to make in the next few days that are going to impact the rest of our lives!! I'm personally really pissed about the whole situation because plain and simple... it's just not fair.  It's not fair that my husband has to go through something like this when he is nothing but a great person, and has dont nothing but be completly open and honest with his co-workers and he is genuinely a good person!! I just dont get how certain things work in the military.. and its really frustrating that something that isnt true is going to be affecting the rest of our lives!! I just dont get it, and frankly don't like it.. but what can you do about it?  For the few of you who know what is going on right now you know how difficult of a decision my husband and I have to make in the next few days.  So especially for those of you who understand the situation, please any help or advice in the situation is greatly appreciated... and those who have already given that thank you from the bottom of our hearts we truely are very thankful for everyones inputs and advice right now!!


The last couple of days have been very stressful on us, but at the same time it just shows how strong of a relationship Brandon and I have.  No matter what we will always be there for each other, and always have each others backs!! I trust my husband with every ounce of me, and I bet my life on his word!! So when someone tries to break that trust, it doesnt break us down, it just strengthens that bond.  So even though I would give anything to not have to be going through what we are going through right now, but honestly thank you... thank you for proving to everyone that nothing is going to break us down... thank you for trying and failing..thank you for show US how lucky we really are with one another, and thank you for showing we sometimes take small things for granted and helping us put things into a better perspective!!


This whole situation has also shown us how we really do put too much emphasis on small things, and we blow them out of proportion in how bad they really are.... I have always considered myself to be more mature than the majority of people my age, but this whole situation has made me feel like I have gained years of knowledge.. I feel like I might not have really been as mature as I thought, because now I really feel different. But again, I cant stress enough how much we really need everyones prayers for the best possible outcome in this situation!!!  An I guess like they said, what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger...well baby get ready to be stronger than we ever thought possible, cause no chance in hell we're gonna let this bull shit bring us down!!! <3 I Love you so much Brandon Joseph, and I'll always be there for you! :)

Eleanor Roosevelt

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" - Eleanor Roosevelt

           This quote is one of my favorites, I've got at least two frames with this quote hanging in my apartment.. and I think it's a quote more people should look at it and really think about the words.  So many people think they know best for others, they think just because they are older, or have been through the same experience before they know whats best for you!  But at times, I think we need to think about our own dreams, follow our own hearts, sure we need to listen to others who have experienced the same things, because we dont want to make the same mistakes as them.  BUT if we follow the idea that we shouldnt do something just because someone else did that and it was the "worst mistake of their lives" why would anyone get married.. i mean people have been divorced in the past so why should we take a chance and see if its either the greatest thing ever or the worst... why would anyone have children I mean people have had miscarriages, people have had unhealthy children who dont live to see their teens... why does anyone go driving, their are many car accidents dailying in which people are killed....

       But we all need to make our own mistakes, we need to follow our OWN dreams and just hope and pray everything works the way we planned...im not saying lets go get high just to see if its a good experience for us, but im saying we need to be more in tune with our own plans, dreams, and hopes, we need to take other views and opinions into consideration but ultimetly its our own lives and we need to live it to the fullest!:)

    So in lieu of this quote, my biggest dream my entire life was to find my "prince charming" my "other half", I wanted to find a guy that loved me for me, that treated me like I deserve to be treated, one that was man enough to treat me right no matter who is around, one that would stand up for me, but who was still compasionate and caring... and I truely have been lucky enough to find that man in Brandon! We argue sure what couple hasnt had an argument from time to time, but we really have a wonderful relationship otherwise!!! We understand each other, we are there for each other, we know each others flaws and are still so in love!! but ... another very big dream of both of ours is to start a family...and I know that eventually we will start our family, but I am just so anxious about it, I want to be pregnant now, I want to start our family... i know i need to be patient, but its so hard to be...its so hard to see other girls who are getting pregnant and then are upset... im not talking about girls who are "complaining" about their symptoms .. i get it pregnancy is ruff and it takes alot out of you .. what I'm talking about is the few girls I know who recently have gotten pregnant who DONT WANT their baby, they are considering abortion, or aren't taking their pregnancy seriously and are smoking and doing drugs to try to loose the baby... I dont understand how those types of girls can get pregnant and other girls who actually want to cant.  (Brandon and I have only been trying for a couple months so im not bitching that im not pregnant I know some woman go years trying with no success) but I just dont get how people who want kids have to work their asses off to try to get pregnant or adopt or whatever, but then there are soo many woman out there who never want children and get pregnant off of a one night stand...I guess this is kinda off of my original post topic but just something that is on my mind lately..

the little things

The last couple weeks have flown by, I feel like I blinked and Bam its 2 weeks later! I've had so much on mind, and so much on my plate that last couple weeks that I really just dont even know where to begine!! but, as some of you know I recently got hired at Buffalo Wild Wings, which is great im so excited because Im just ready to be working again, and making money, but i need to get my license to serve alcohol, and take a safe serv class, so I've been running around crazy trying to get all that stuff done! I had my orientation today, and it was ... well interesting.. this is definetly going to be a new experience! After filling out a ton of paper work, and a quick tour of the place I had to eat a Blazin wing.. that was3 hours ago and my mouth is still on fire lol!! but regardless my manager seems pretty cool, I'm just kinda nervous about not knowing anyone, and everyone that works there seems so close Im worried it might be difficult to get close with anyone!
On top of that stuff, Im getting more and more loaded down with classes.. which is fine by me, I love being busy.  I love getting closer and closer to finishing my degree and graduating! I love the fact that I'm doing something that I love, and something that is going to better not only my life but also my husbands!
One of the other things, that not many of you may know is that Brandon and I have decided to start trying to concieve!! We are both soo excited, and really just cant wait to make our little family bigger!:) We would love to get pregnant soon, just because now that we have decided we want to start trying, we really just cant wait to have a baby, but with this distance thing it might take some time, but regardeless Ill be in Cali in 4 months, so at least by then we can really start trying !! I've got to say, I have an amazing life.. the greatest husband, and a few of the greatest people in my life that anyone could ask for !! I'm also learning (slowly but surely) that some people just arent worth being in my life, and that even though they may have been friends for a long time, or even new friends that I considered to be pretty close... if they are going to act certain ways and do certain things ...then they just arent worth keeping in my life...<3

friendship....

We all throw the words friends and the term friendship around all the time, but does anyone really know what those terms mean? Does anyone really take those words seriously anymore?  Seriously, I have lost so many friends for so many different reasons whether it was my decision to end the friendship or not! Most people these days take friendship as a "take" only relationship, they think that they only need to be around when they need something, or when its convinent for them.  I'm sorry but that just doesn't work for me! Friendship is supposed to be a give and take, your suppose to be there for your friends when they need you, but then they need to be there for you too!! I really just dont understand how soo many people are so focused on just themselves!!  Im not saying all my friends are like this, but that is why I only spend time with a very small group of people, because I would rather have just a couple close friends who I know are truely friends and truely care about me, and friends that I can truely care about!  I'm not the type of person to give a million chances, sure I understand people make mistakes..but at the same time its kinda like the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

again.. in case anyone forgot.. it is MY life..

First off I want to say that anything I post is not about anyone in particular...its just random thoughts that have been on my mind, and if anyone takes offense to them, please say something to me instead of just completly ignoring me, and talking shit about me behind my back... I dont force anyone to read these posts so if you choose to read them, you choose to at least be mature in how you handle what you read!!!

Secondly, I think all this hype about this snow is getting a little out of hand lol.  I'm sure it is gonna get nasty out, but we live in Northern Indiana, snow and alot of it is normal for us! So why people flip out is beyond me!! On the plus side classes were cancelled for the rest of today, and all of tomorrow!! :) so now a chance to get caught up on homework, and cleaning the house, and laundry.  I also need to get the rest of brandon's Valentines day stuff together so I can get that stuff shipped out before valentines day!

As for that interview I had last week, it went great! however, the manager said he wasnt sure he would be able to give me the hours I was looking to get so he asked me to wait  till next week for him to contact me so he can see if there is anyway he can get me the hours im asking for!! So i mean on the plus side he seems really interested in hiring me... but I just really wish I had a job by now cause im going crazy without one!!!

Things just get better and better!

This last week has been not only a hectic week, but also a very exciting week! I haven't had a job since October, I quit my job at Victoria Secret because of terrible management.  Brandon told me not to worry about quiting, that with his pay check we would still be able to afford all our bills, and still put a little money back. However, with him in Cali and me in Indiana we have two places we have to pay for and although we can afford it, its just getting a little stressful!  I also hated the fact that I feel like I wasnt contributing to our marriage.  I'm not out there with him, so I'm not able to cook, and clean, and help with anything for him, so I've have really been trying my hardest to find a job!  Well thankfully I got a call yesterday and have an interview today at BWW's.  It's a waitressing job, and even though it's not exactly what I would love to be doing, its a job, and it will help me bring in at least some sort of income so that I feel like I'm contributing financially.  So PLEASE pray that I get the job!!!

Totally unrelated, with all these websites on facebook USMC Gals, USMC Love.. and all these other "support sites" that keep miraculously popping up, I'm realizing that I have very little patience with people who are so petty, immature, and constantly complain.  Yes being a military significant other has its up's and down's, and being apart from them can be difficult at times, but seriously girls...Grow up!!! Girls post the DUMBEST things about complaining about missing their husbands, boyfriends, or fiances, and to be honest when I see the same girls posting over and over again, it doesnt make me feel bad for them, it makes me realize how immature they are.  Sure I miss my husband, and sure I'll make my status something about missing him from time to time... but if you cant handle a couple weeks apart while they are training how in the heck do they think they are going to last in a military relationship where there will be deployments and many more trainings until they leave the Marines?? Idk but I have also noticed how incredibly petty some of these women are, and how they will fight about the dumbest things- "Im better because im a wife and your a girlfriend," "My husband is better than yours because his job is this instead of that," "Im a better mom than you because of ..." I mean seriously .. do people not have anything better in their days to do than to degrade people and be disrespectful!  I'm so glad for the few girls that I have met through all this, but I'm glad I have deleted a bunch of them out of my life! I'm so much happier because of this!!

just something on my mind...

I haven't written much, because honestly I just dont know what to write!  It's only been a little over a week since I left California, and it feels like so much longer!! It feels like I haven't seen him in years!! A girl I have met through all these USMC websites lost her husband back in December, and honestly it hit home so much and I really have no idea why.  Sure my husband is also in the Marines, and sure his unit is getting deployed in the next few months... but Brandon isn't going, they already told him because of medical reasons he isn't allowed to go! So why does this other Marine Wife's loss it me so hard?? I don't have an answer to that.. the only thing I can think of his just the two of them were so absolutely in love and it just is so odd for me to think that God had a reason for breaking that love, especially in the world we are living in where so few people ever have a love anywhere close to theirs!!Every time I see this girl post pictures about her and her husband I have to hold back tears.. My heart truely goes out to this young lady and I really do hope she finds the best that life has to offer!

jumbled collection of my many thoughts ....

When I told my friends and family at home that I was going to California for a week to spend my birthday with my husband .. the acted like I was crazy and out of my mind, because he was home for 2 weeks right before I went out, so they just assumed that it was a pointless visit!  To me it wasnt... any time I get to spend with my husband is treasured, and means the absolute world to both of us! Some people also thought a week was too long... but who gets to judge our lives other than God.. who thinks they are so amazing that they are better than others.. im sorry but that just pisses me off more than anything, and frankly a week wasnt even close to enough time to spend with my husband!!! Im starting to really have a hard time enjoying being at home..each goodbye gets harder, and time between the goodbyes and hellos seem to keep getting longer, and then I come home and everyone seems to think I should just be this little bundle of joy..and no i dont go moping around all day, but the day I leave him Im always just down in the dumps .. but ill get over it jeez no need to give me lectures on how I need to not make someone my everything because "nothing lasts forever"... well to the person that said that .. Fuck you, just because your track records with marriages sucks doesnt mean that everyones is gonna end as fucked up as yours !!

As for my week in Cali...well it was AMAZING!! for some reason when we are at home, between our families both pulling us in opposite directions to spend time with them, and friends we barely feel like a married couple.. but out in california..its just us and we decide who to see, when to see them, and for how long...we have no commitments really other than brandons work, so between work we do what WE want.. and for us that is such an odd situation, but one we love and its how we want our entire relationship.  We have been discussing possible places to live after the Marine Corps.. and much to my dismay, he wants to move home..if it were my decision we would stay in california..but we will just have to find some sort of compromise!!  We have also started making some pretty big plans for ourselves..one of which being after this semester is over .. no matter what happens with college, im moving to cali , we were planning on me moving there this january but because of school I ended up not .. but we dont want this as a life anymore.. the distance, the unneccesary goodbyes and the continuous heart ache from being apart!!

Something, however, has been weighing on my heart very heavy for the past couple of days, and its just devastating me... but i feel like it may not be appropriate to prodcast that all over the web for the time being .. but just know if im a little upset or cranky and moody.. its because I have alot on my mind, and im really disappointed at the time being!! Ill get past it with the help of my husband and close friends and family, but just know it may take time!

Here Goes nothing ...

Our lives have been crazy to say the least! Brandon was able to come home for about 17 days to spend christmas and new years with us, and let me tell you it was amazing!! It's so weird to be married and living on opposite sides of the country.. but for now thats just the way things have to be.  Thankfully, this summer I will finally be moving to California to be with my wonderful husband and finally starting our "married life" together.  Suprisingly, I'm not scared to move across the country at all, and even though I barely know anyone out there I know that as long as I have Brandon I'll be alright! My biggest concern is that with Brandons unit's upcoming deployment, and with Brandon being told he is not allowed to go because of his shoulder, he will take his unit leaving without him pretty hard.  For those of you who don't know, Brandon has had alot of issue with both of his shoulders and this past March he had surgery to repair or torn rotator cuff, a hole in the muscle in his shoulder, and also an exploritory surgery to look for the "missing" bone from his shoulder.  These surgeries have limited his range of motion in his shoulder to the point of him not being able to lift his arm or reach to the side completly,  because of this, the doctors have told him he isnt allowed to go on deployment. Although this is great news for me because he wont be thrown into harms way, but at the same time it's still very difficult because he has to stay behind, watch all his friends leave, and cant do anything about it!

In turn, since his unit is deploying, most of the wives that I do know are planning on moving home during the deployment so we both will be in a state we barely know with very few people that we do know, but like I said before..since we have each other we will be fine!

I really should be doing so many more things right now instead of writing this post, because tomorrow bright and early I will be flying out to California to spend a week with Brandon, and this coming friday will be my 21st birthday so hubby is taking me to Vegas!! This is the longest I have ever spent in California with him, its usually just a long weekend that I go out for, and so I'm having a VERY difficult time trying to pack because I want to have plenty of clothes, but I also dont want to have 16 bags.  Please pray my flights don't get delayed with all this snow were getting here :)