Update..

Wow, well I have been a complete slacker and not updated this in 9 months lol!!! Soo that means there is alotttt to update, but I'm not really in the mood so I'm just gonna write until I'm tired of doing it and then just leave it at that lol!!

Well Brandon is officially out of the Marine Corps and I have to say it is amazing having him home all the time and know he never has to leave to go back to base or anything like that!!! He's been home since the end of September and we are living in fort Wayne Indiana while I finish up school!! He is in the process of joining the state trooper academy and goes next week for more testing!! I couldnt be more proud of everything he has done and is doing with his life!! He is my world, and it's such a different feeling to actually spend more than a week or two at a time with him!! I loveeeeee it:)

More exciting news is thAt in November we found out that we are expecting our first child!! As some people know, we have been trying for a little while so to find out we finally are pregnant was probably the greatest news we could have ever gotten!! Right now I am 12 weeks along, and surprisingly I feel like this pregnancy is actually going pretty quickly!! This pregnant has caused a ton of drama from the standpoint that everyone seems to think that Brandon and my child is theirs and everyone feels the need to give not only their opinion but try to force their thoughts down our throats, maybe my hormones are just making me more irritable, but I'm ready to just leave Indiana and move to the other side of the country lol!! But that aside Brandon and I cannot be more excited for July to welcome our little peanut into the world!!

Well tomorrow is my birthday, and I need to do some shopping before we go out for that, and I'm tired of writing lol, so I think this is gonna be it for this post:)

Marine Wife... the true meaning!!!

My oh my, Soooo much has happened in the last 72 hours.   For those of you who know me really well, you know the situation you know that Brandon and I were waiting on some news and Monday was the day for answers, and if you know me really well... you know what those answers were and that those were the worst case type answers .... we had planned for both best case scenerio, and worst case scenerio... and now we are having to deal with the worst.  It has been such a whirlwind, and I'm not really sure how to put into words how I am feeling at the time being, or how to word things in a way that which others can get an idea of what we are going through without knowing exactly whats going on.  Right now Brandon and I wont see each other for 5-6 months, and will have very little contact if any... thats where I am leaving that.It's definetly going to be a change for us, we usually talk for about 2 hours a night, and text pretty much the entire day.... we knew we needed to cut back on that to prepare for deployment, but we didnt have that change.  Monday we went into everything thinking it wasnt going to be a big deal, we made a million plans based on that opinion, but now we are changing all that again, we are dealing.  The hardest thing through all this for me is not knowing where my husband is or how he is handling all this, not having answers to some pretty important questions, I know I have the guys in his unit to talk to and ask questions, but there are some things they just cant help with!!!

Another thing that bothers me is that I have such a huge support system, and even though I know they support Brandon...right now he really doesnt have that.  He doesnt have the ability to talk to whoever he wants whenever he wants, Im able to call his phone whenever I want and listen to his voice, or listen to the voicemails he has left on my phone that I have saved..and he cant do that...Im able to write him ( even though I have no where to send those letters) and I dont know if he can or not. Its just hard, and I know its one of those things you just have to deal with but it just seems soo unfair for the time being. 

At this point, Im just ready to have my husband home, we will figure everything out later, all the minor details will be dealt with once he is home, I know our love, our relationship, and our marriage can survive anything... it can survive time and distance apart, it can survive any hardships that we have thrown at us, God knows we have had our share for awhile.... but through it all we are going to come out of it stronger and more in love than ever before!   This whole situation has reminded me what the true meaning of being a Marine wife actually is....you HAVE to be strong, being weak isnt an option... I gave myself the last 48 hours to be sad, depressed, and just helpless... but now, now I need to be ...really be a MArine Wife.... I HAVE to deal.. its my only option, I HAVE to hold things together, theres nothing else I can do, I HAVE to do what I can when I cant to help my husband, because really...he is the one going through this, sure its affecting me, but like I said I have all my friends and family to talk to whenever, he doesnt, his only support is when or if he is able to contact me, he is depending on me to be the only support he has until this is over.  So thats exactly what I plan to do...be strong and supportive for my husband!!!!!!  I'm gonna ask anyone who reads this though, to please send up prayers for my husband and I...we could really use the help until this is all over.. and probably even after!!  For the time being... its already been 68 days since we've seen each other and at least 150 more to go... we can do this<3 :)

Constant Changes....

As a military wife you have to be able to plan, and then things change so you have to plan again, and again things change so you have to plan again... and this just keeps happening and happening!! I knew it would be like this going into it, I knew it would be difficult because everything pretty much has to be so last minute because plans change so quickly, but i never realized how hard that would be.  In the last month my husband and I have planned for pretty much everything you could possibly think of.  We have planned on him getting discharged, then that changed... we have planned on him not deploying with his unit and me moving out there for good, then that changed.... we have planned on him deploying with his unit and so me not moving out there, then plans changed.... and our current plan, we have planned on him deploying with his unit and me moving out there for a few short months!  All I can say is I am drained... I feel like all our plans are so helter skelter and like we are forgetting things...important things.... right now the plan is for me to move out there one of the first few weeks of May, us getting base housing (since I will probably only be out there for a few months we decided it was better to get on base then something off base, and cheaper too!! and the reason we are able to is becaue brandon hasnt recieved his deployment orders yet so we can get housing and then once he gets his orders we will just show housing that and that is what will break our lease with them!) complicated ...I know but if we want to spend those last couple months together before deployment its what needs to be done.
However, not only are we planning and worrying about getting a place out in Cali, we are also trying to plan what to do for me back in Indiana/Ohio.  Right now I have an apartment with a friend, however since originally we were planning on me moving to Cali for good this summer, she has found new roommates... so once I move out of here my options are get my own place, or move back home with my parents.  For those of you who dont know this my parents and I have a pretty terrible relationship... thats where im going to leave that, but I really want to get my own place, but at the same time Im not sure if thats such a good idea while Brandon is deployed!  idk.. there is still alot to think about with all that.  
I just wish we had some answers ... like Yes he definetly will do this or wont do that, I hate playing games of not knowing, I hate questioning everything, and I hate not being able to plan for basically anytihng.  Since we are 99% sure that I will only be in Cali for a few months when I say im "moving out there" really im just taking all my clothes I need on the plane and flying there, everything we need for a home is just gonna be boughten out there, and we are going to just live with exactly what we need, because im not going to turn this house into a home only to pack it all up a few months later... so our house will probably be pretty bare and have little to no decorations, but as long as my husband and I are together, thats really all I'm concerned about!!

My husband :)

Since we are on opposite sides of the country for the time being, we send each other pictures multiple times a day! and I found a few this morning and just thought I would share of my most recent pic favorites!!:)

last day of the green camis :) He looks sexy, but gosh I cant wait for those deserts!!! <3

this is what he sent when I told him it was cold here back home, a picture showing the amazing weather out in Cali!! lol

this pic just cracks me up, we have this thing were we always joke about him not wearing his ring since im not out there, I joke that he only wears it when im around so he can pick up chicks, well he sent this pic right before he got out of the truck one weekend cause i kept picking on him about supposedly not wearing his ring!

And.... the deserts are back!!!:) gosh I sure do love him in those!!!:)

This pic is a little old, but I just think its adorable, and a reminder of how great of a dad he will be once we do have children!!

isnt he just soo handsome!!??

again a little old, but probably one of my most favorite pictures of him ever!!:)

<3

Looking at pictures of Brandon today, makes me feel closer to him, and I just need to keep reminding myself in just a few short months we will be together!!! not sure yet whether it will be together out in Cali, or together back home... but regardeless I know him and I will make it through either situation we need too!!! Still not sure what exactly is going on with everything, but by April we will know at least more of what direction things will be going in!! I really didnt have much to blog about today, but wanted to share these pics at least !! :)

"Caught between and rock and a harder place"

How do you find the words to explain your situation, how do you find the words to convince not only everyone else, but also yourself that everything will work out alright! How do you know what is the best decision is, how do you know what decision is best when you dont have all the facts, when it feels like those who are supposed to be helping you seem to not truely have your best interests at heart? When it feels like they are doing only enough to get by and get their paycheck, like they dont really have your true interests at heart. This is definetly one thing that I really do NOT get about the military... how can they crucify one man and do something that is going to affect him the rest of his life without any proof, how come they wont rightfully, honestly and correctly investigate this case... why are they so set on doing this all the wrong way!!!! Why would they rather close this whole case and convict the wrong person instead of ttaking the time to find the actual person who did this... I dont get it and it really hurts... People not doing their jobs correctly is going to affect my husband and my life like its going too, and put us in such a difficult position... words dont justify how betrayed I feel, I lost I feel, and how completly helpless I feel.


What can I say to make my husband less stressed, Im scared to death but yet need to find the words to help him get through this, I need to find the words to make sure he knows I will always be here, no matter what shit either of us go through... I just feel like I have my hands tied behind my back, like no matter how hard I try or how much I want to help, I cant..I cant do anything, I cant make this go away...I cant help prove his innocence.. and I cant find the right words to explain any of it, or help make him feel better... I just feel so helpless, so insignificant, so worthless, so.. just not good enough!!! :(  God please help us get through this... because it's way out of our hands now!!! <3

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote has more meaning to me and Brandon right now, than just about anything else!! For those of you who don't know whats going on with us right now, just know that we are going through a few things (no not marriage problems or issues..just life) and we could really use the extra prayers!! We have alot of decisions to make in the next few days that are going to impact the rest of our lives!! I'm personally really pissed about the whole situation because plain and simple... it's just not fair.  It's not fair that my husband has to go through something like this when he is nothing but a great person, and has dont nothing but be completly open and honest with his co-workers and he is genuinely a good person!! I just dont get how certain things work in the military.. and its really frustrating that something that isnt true is going to be affecting the rest of our lives!! I just dont get it, and frankly don't like it.. but what can you do about it?  For the few of you who know what is going on right now you know how difficult of a decision my husband and I have to make in the next few days.  So especially for those of you who understand the situation, please any help or advice in the situation is greatly appreciated... and those who have already given that thank you from the bottom of our hearts we truely are very thankful for everyones inputs and advice right now!!


The last couple of days have been very stressful on us, but at the same time it just shows how strong of a relationship Brandon and I have.  No matter what we will always be there for each other, and always have each others backs!! I trust my husband with every ounce of me, and I bet my life on his word!! So when someone tries to break that trust, it doesnt break us down, it just strengthens that bond.  So even though I would give anything to not have to be going through what we are going through right now, but honestly thank you... thank you for proving to everyone that nothing is going to break us down... thank you for trying and failing..thank you for show US how lucky we really are with one another, and thank you for showing we sometimes take small things for granted and helping us put things into a better perspective!!


This whole situation has also shown us how we really do put too much emphasis on small things, and we blow them out of proportion in how bad they really are.... I have always considered myself to be more mature than the majority of people my age, but this whole situation has made me feel like I have gained years of knowledge.. I feel like I might not have really been as mature as I thought, because now I really feel different. But again, I cant stress enough how much we really need everyones prayers for the best possible outcome in this situation!!!  An I guess like they said, what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger...well baby get ready to be stronger than we ever thought possible, cause no chance in hell we're gonna let this bull shit bring us down!!! <3 I Love you so much Brandon Joseph, and I'll always be there for you! :)

Eleanor Roosevelt

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" - Eleanor Roosevelt

           This quote is one of my favorites, I've got at least two frames with this quote hanging in my apartment.. and I think it's a quote more people should look at it and really think about the words.  So many people think they know best for others, they think just because they are older, or have been through the same experience before they know whats best for you!  But at times, I think we need to think about our own dreams, follow our own hearts, sure we need to listen to others who have experienced the same things, because we dont want to make the same mistakes as them.  BUT if we follow the idea that we shouldnt do something just because someone else did that and it was the "worst mistake of their lives" why would anyone get married.. i mean people have been divorced in the past so why should we take a chance and see if its either the greatest thing ever or the worst... why would anyone have children I mean people have had miscarriages, people have had unhealthy children who dont live to see their teens... why does anyone go driving, their are many car accidents dailying in which people are killed....

       But we all need to make our own mistakes, we need to follow our OWN dreams and just hope and pray everything works the way we planned...im not saying lets go get high just to see if its a good experience for us, but im saying we need to be more in tune with our own plans, dreams, and hopes, we need to take other views and opinions into consideration but ultimetly its our own lives and we need to live it to the fullest!:)

    So in lieu of this quote, my biggest dream my entire life was to find my "prince charming" my "other half", I wanted to find a guy that loved me for me, that treated me like I deserve to be treated, one that was man enough to treat me right no matter who is around, one that would stand up for me, but who was still compasionate and caring... and I truely have been lucky enough to find that man in Brandon! We argue sure what couple hasnt had an argument from time to time, but we really have a wonderful relationship otherwise!!! We understand each other, we are there for each other, we know each others flaws and are still so in love!! but ... another very big dream of both of ours is to start a family...and I know that eventually we will start our family, but I am just so anxious about it, I want to be pregnant now, I want to start our family... i know i need to be patient, but its so hard to be...its so hard to see other girls who are getting pregnant and then are upset... im not talking about girls who are "complaining" about their symptoms .. i get it pregnancy is ruff and it takes alot out of you .. what I'm talking about is the few girls I know who recently have gotten pregnant who DONT WANT their baby, they are considering abortion, or aren't taking their pregnancy seriously and are smoking and doing drugs to try to loose the baby... I dont understand how those types of girls can get pregnant and other girls who actually want to cant.  (Brandon and I have only been trying for a couple months so im not bitching that im not pregnant I know some woman go years trying with no success) but I just dont get how people who want kids have to work their asses off to try to get pregnant or adopt or whatever, but then there are soo many woman out there who never want children and get pregnant off of a one night stand...I guess this is kinda off of my original post topic but just something that is on my mind lately..